My Solo Spoonie Valentine's Day
The last day I have at home to myself before visitors arrive is sacred me-time. Today was one of those days. The calm before the so called “storm”.
Having my husband here isn’t really a storm but it is a disruption to my peaceful living space. It means having to put on a facade of having more energy than I feel. It means pushing myself harder for reasons that are too complicated to explain in one post. It means wanting to soak up every moment with him that I can, often resulting in sacrificing what my body actually needs.
Sometimes the solitude can get lonely. Not often, but more so recently the longer I’ve been doing this living in isolation thing and struggling with a bit of depression lately.
But it’s in this solitude that I’ve finally begun to discover myself for the first time in all my life.
And that, I relish with a fervour.
In this safe space, by myself, the exploration has begun. Exploration that I never felt free enough to do before.
In the silence, I’ve finally begun to hear my inner voice. The one that’s telling me what it is that I actually like, don’t like, want, don’t want.
I couldn’t hear it before because I got so lost in pleasing everyone, catering to everyone, taking care of everyone, and conforming to everyone else’s voices.
What a travesty. But so many of us do this. We lose ourselves in the busy, chaotic, demanding external world and forget to delve into the entire universe that exists within.
Do you know what pushed me to reconnect with myself?
Life with chronic disease and the ramifications it had on my relationships, especially with my life partner.
Finally, with clarity, I saw that I couldn’t expect to get everything I wanted from another person. The only person who could give that kind of love and affection to me was me.
I saw that I wasn’t guaranteed a lifetime with anyone else, be it family, friend, or lover. A ring on your finger doesn’t mean forever. It means “I’ll try harder” but it doesn’t mean certainty.
I am my forever. I am guaranteed to be with myself for the rest of however long I am fortunate enough to be alive.
So I better make this relationship with myself a damn good one.
February 14, 2020 // Journal Entry:
Today was a simple, quiet, special day.
It was a day for me, to pour back into me. To go slow. To intuit my way through the day and listen to whatever my body asked for.
I relinquished my painful limbs to the exquisitely warm waters of my float tent. And faded away into the blissful in-between.
I took pleasure in the hot stream of water raining down on my back from the shower head once I emerged from the float.
Music filled the bathroom walls and sitting on my shower bench, I danced without giving a fuck.
I made breakfast a special affair. Vegan chocolate chip pancakes with allll the toppings. Yep, I ate them all. I took time to appreciate the beauty and stillness outside my window before diving into the warm stack of yummy goodness.
When my body felt drained, I slipped under the covers and closed my eyes. I woke. And called them, their cute faces filling my face with a smile. Told my family I love them.
Knocking on my door. Had no idea who that could be. The sweetest surprise from a beautiful goddess and her little love elf (son). A delivery of a beautiful rose and chocolates.
How lucky am I? Kindness is love in action.
And now to make myself dinner, eating it as I lie on the sofa, because I’m tired and need the slowness...though I still want to ready the house for his return.
Soon it will be night and it will be time to float again. I look forward to that float. To be warm again. To be held again. To be free from painful pressure points again.
Before long, morning will be here.
And so will he.
